25 Things About My Favorite Tubes of Paint

1. Burnt Umber is like cooked mud but in a good way. Hard to find a use for cooked mud but when you need it nothing else will do.

2. Quinacridone Red. I never have been able to pronounce its name.

3. Phthalo Blue. I use to think this color was like poison. Open the tube and it spreads like a virus all over everything. Now I thinks its eye candy. Its like the Altoids of paint.

4. Corbet Green. Is the color of a dank, dark wet basement in July.

5. Cadmium Reds, Oranges and Yellows (all of them). These guys and girls are like the Sex Pistols of paint. They are always clamoring over each other scratching to get to the top of the pile always screaming with spittle coming out of their mouths “Use me you $&#%&@# wanker”.

6.Sap green is the Mezzo -soprano of greens. Mellow, middle ranged.

7.Permanent Green Light is the Lyric soprano of greens capable of high, fast coloratura.

8.Phthalo Green. The Bruce Springsteen of greens. This green puts on a long show.

9. Naples Yellow Light. What can you say about such a versatile color. It is my friend.

10. Naples Yellow. Naples Yellow Light’s big brother. You think you always might need him but he gets in the way a lot.

11. Burnt Sienna. Burnt Sienna is alchemy. Its toast and jam smashed together and baked in a cast iron pressure cooker for 100 years until it crumbles and it still taste good.

12. Unbleached Titanium. Such a unmacho color. Its the color of a Mocha Napoleon at Fabiannes Cafe in Williamsburg.

13. Kings Blue. You may think you can mix this color yourself. Go ahead and try. You can’t. Its the king.

14. Chromium Green. What is up with this green? You squeeze out a dollops, you turn your back for a second and you have two dollops. You dip the tiny tip of your brush in it and touch it on the canvas and 1/3 of the canvas is covered.

15. Cold Black Earth. Carl Plansky got the name to this color wrong. It should be called Fuzzy Warm Cold Black Earth And I Like It Very Much. FWCBEAILIVM for short. Not much harder to say than Quinacridone.

16. Yellow Ochre. The butter of all paint. Anything and I mean anything is better with butter Am I right?

17. Cobalt Blue. She is such a tease. You always think its her but it never is.

18. Alizaron Crimson. Is the MSG of colors. It makes a lot of things look better but your not sure if you should or shouldn’t use it but you always feel ok the next day so you use it anyway.

19. Mars Orange. The trickster. Not really brown. Not really orange and I just found out from a good source that it doesn’t come from Mars at all.

20. Spanish Earth. Ah, yes, the dead soul of the earth trampled with blood and pounded flat by the feet of dancing gypsy women.

21. Violets (any of them). The trans genders of colors. Not really reds and not really blues. I feel ill prepared to use them. I want to but I’m too scared.

22. Pompeii Red. It just runs around singing, “I’m too sexy for you”.

23. Zinc buff. The color of wet beach sand in the late morning.

24. Juane Brilliant. The Javiar Bardem of paints. And he has three sisters No.1, No.2 and No.3

25.Titanium White. The delete key of color.